Two blog posts in one day? I guess so! I am on a tangent with this one. In my previous post I talked about how I am haunted by my past where I basically lived on the internet. I did omit that I had a few real life boyfriends before that wonderful guy I am with now but you know what? They all sucked. All the guys I dated in real life were ugly dorks (and I hope none of them reads this) and that is why I acted like a b*tch and dumped them in 3 months. There you f*cking go. I will acknowledge I was desperate at one point. I even faked knowing a lot about music when I really didn't. I wasn't just desperate for male attention but I was also desperate for an identity. So, there you go, I became a "progressive rock" fan and had elite music tastes and that satisfied my ego for awhile. I talked to guys on the internet that were also elite progressive rock fans and prioritized them over my lame real life boyfriends. What is funny is that these mysterious guys on the internet turned out not to be these amazingly special people when I met two of them in person. No offense to those guys (especially if they read this), and I am not saying anything was wrong with them when I met them, it's just that they weren't these fantasy men that I was expecting them to be and that was my own fault because I was being DELUSIONAL.
Shit, who the heck am I supposed to tell this shit to? It is embarassing enough as it is. UGH. I am so ASHAMED. I don't know how the heck to get a grip. I keep telling myself that IT IS OKAY NOW since I am a college junior and have an apartment with a guy that I absolutely love. There was a time in my life when that was a dream. WHY CANT I ENJOY IT? No, instead I have been SHITTING IT ALL AWAY by being a depressed nitwit. I swear to $#(*## I don't know what my problem is. Ugh, WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
Maybe I am being unrealistic and it isn't healthy to refer to your current relationship as a "dream" and blah blah blah... Maybe that is unhealthy behavior. But I am EMOTIONAL. I would love to be more stoic about matters but damn, it doesn't seem like I have the capacity. I feel unhinged and like nobody can help me, because my emotions don't draw people to me, they alienate them. My emotional state is akin to leprosy or some shit. People are AFRAID of EMOTIONS for some damn reason. But hey, that fact just proves that EMOTIONS MUST BE PRETTY F'N POWERFUL if they scare people off. I suppose I am an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE or some shit.
I know one thing. I am INSECURE. It sucks. I got a 93 A on a term paper and started having bad anxiety over it. STRANGE. Another instructor in another class hated my papers but this one loved my term paper and even approached me to tell me how much he liked it. Where is the standard, the consistency? How can one instructor LOVE what I write and the other one think I am batshit insane? As a college junior I have to write papers with compelling arguments to get anywhere but my approach isn't universal, apparently. Anyway, I am just completely demoralized. I DONT WANT TO BE. I try to ratinonalize and convince myself that there is no good reason to have such a poor attitude yet the 'tude still persists. RATIONALITY VS EMOTION... Emotion seems to win every time. But that is why I am blogging... to dump all this emo baggage somewhere and be done with it! Hopefully after I have ranted and ranted and ranted until I cannot rant anymore (about my feelings and emotions) I will write about something I enjoy or am interested in like a good movie, politics, etc...
Perhaps I need to take some advice some Socrates and attempt to Know Thyself. My interpretation of this is: you should accept yourself for who you are, yet reach your potential, but understand your limitations.
Regardless, I cannot be in this constant state of strife that renders me indecisive.
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