NieR. A game panned by the critics but already has garnered a cult following. While some may agree with the critics and claim that NieR is mediocre in every way, others insist that NieR is highly underrated, and a hidden gem.
I wasn't sure about getting NieR because of the mixed opinions, but I didn't have to decide to make a purchase in the end. My boyfriend, a huge Drakengard fan, bought it due to the fact that NieR is developed by the same folks. Since then we have been fighting over ps3 time so that we can play NieR.
NieR's graphics make it look like a ps2 or Wii game, and this is one reason the critics reviewed it harshly. Not only are the graphics out of date, but the game has a washed out appearance and some arguably uninspired environments. Furthermore, the protagonist looks like Dante of Devil May Cry fame beaten with an ugly stick. At first glance, NieR is a typical hack 'n slash game a la God of War, Bayonetta, etc with the exception of the gimmick of wielding dark/blood magic, courtesy of a mysterious, talking book named Grimoire Weiss.
While NieR's combat, and the talking book are hardly the most original concepts, the whole is more than the sum of it's parts when it comes to NieR. The critics say mediocre, I say NieR's combat is not as obnoxious as Darksider's, Bayonetta's, or God of War's. There are no visually-stunning and devastating mega combos that can be executed with button mashing. While there is some button mashing to be found, most strategy will be used on whether you choose to melee an enemy, or blast it with magic, and if so, what kind of magic you will choose to use (as the spells vary from rapid fire attacks to absorbing magic power).
NieR is not even without visual merit. The graphics make the world feel melancholic. The fantastic soundtrack helps immerse the player further. The soundtrack is of PSX-era JRPG quality... think Final Fantasy VII, Chrono Cross, Star Ocean 2... The voice acting is also stellar in this game.
It won't be difficult to empathize with NieR, whose daughter is plagued with a terminal illness. The interaction between NieR and his daughter are emotionally powerful and set the mood for the story. Speaking of, the story is also a high point of the game, and is incredibly gripping and will keep you playing as you will thirst to unravel the mystery.
Nier's pacing has also been criticized. The game has a ton of fetch quests and backtracking. Today's games are much more streamlined then this, so critics will not tolerate it. But I think oldschool JRPG fans will actually appreciate the pacing. The pacing, particularly the backtracking, also gives the game some realism. It feels like one big conversation, instead of a linear experience, and it feels like areas need to be revisited, and NPCs need to be talked to again. Oh, it is important to regularly check up on your daughter Yonah. Nier is in debt to the village, who provide for him, and is eager to work his butt off for the virtue of fairness. Be prepared to fill this role for the most immersive experience.
Nier has certain points in the game where the gameplay is different. At times, you must use NieR's magic to shoot enemies as if you were playing a rail shooter. There are also 2D platforming segments and times when the game turns into a text adventure. Many people talk about how unique this makes Nier, but such mini games embedded in dungeons has been around in JRPGs for awhile. For example, the mandatory motorcycle race in FFVII.
In the end, I believe Nier has a cult following because it plays like a Playstation Japanese action-RPG. It is modern Alundra. It is also a great game.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Blog Post Number 6 - 12/19/2010 - Ni No Kuni - the JRPG fans have been waiting for?
Ni No Kuni, or The Another World, looks like it has the potential to be amazing. The game will be released for PS3 next year and from the available video footage, looks absolutely beautiful. The game boasts a beautiful high definition world map, sure to please veteran JRPG fans. Take a look for yourself in this video:
This game is being developed by Level 5, who also developed Dark Cloud, Dark Cloud 2, Rogue Galaxy, Dragon Quest VIII, and White Knight Chronicles. The JRPG genre has been stagnant. The question is: Will Ni No Kuni be the next-gen PS3 JRPG fans have been waiting for? Is it destined to become a classic? Only time will tell, but at the moment, the game looks like it may have enormous potential.
I am actually concerned that the gameplay might feel archaic. JRPGs fan think they want traditional gameplay with a world map back, but they may be surprised at how outdated it feels on a new system. The game may also end up being deemed "too kiddy". Nonetheless, if the story and gameplay is interesting, the game could very well be a mega hit. It already has a beautiful, and bright fantasy setting, and that is a good start.
To close things up, there have been very good, and interesting JRPGs this gen. But I think many people feel the same way I do. There hasn't been a masterpiece yet this generation, unless you count Demon's Souls, and I don't for the purpose of this blog post. Perhaps, Ni No Kuni will be a masterpiece, and receive critial acclaim and generate interest for the JRPG.
This game is being developed by Level 5, who also developed Dark Cloud, Dark Cloud 2, Rogue Galaxy, Dragon Quest VIII, and White Knight Chronicles. The JRPG genre has been stagnant. The question is: Will Ni No Kuni be the next-gen PS3 JRPG fans have been waiting for? Is it destined to become a classic? Only time will tell, but at the moment, the game looks like it may have enormous potential.
I am actually concerned that the gameplay might feel archaic. JRPGs fan think they want traditional gameplay with a world map back, but they may be surprised at how outdated it feels on a new system. The game may also end up being deemed "too kiddy". Nonetheless, if the story and gameplay is interesting, the game could very well be a mega hit. It already has a beautiful, and bright fantasy setting, and that is a good start.
To close things up, there have been very good, and interesting JRPGs this gen. But I think many people feel the same way I do. There hasn't been a masterpiece yet this generation, unless you count Demon's Souls, and I don't for the purpose of this blog post. Perhaps, Ni No Kuni will be a masterpiece, and receive critial acclaim and generate interest for the JRPG.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Blog Post Number 5 12/18/2010 - (Americanized) Chinese food, a guide to
This blog was created to allow me to vent my frustrations and deal with my depression. But I think that writing about things I like and am interested in could help too.
Today I want to teach you about Americanized Chinese food. This will cover where to get Chinese food, and what dishes to get. This is for anybody who wants to eat something familiar but a bit more interesting than orange chicken or "beef w. broccoli". It isn't authentic but it may be the closest you will get in the States.
Where:
First we will talk about what kinds of Americanized Chinese restaurants exist in the USA.
Buffet style - It is possible that a buffet style restaurant prepares excellent chinese food. When you enter, you can ask for a menu so that you can order freshly cooked food instead of dine on the overcooked food sitting under the heat lamps on the buffet. However, some Chinese buffets have grills where you can pick your own meat, seafood, sauce, and veggies and the grill cook will make a customized stir-fry for you. This customized stir-fry could be an excellent choice depending on the choices and the skill of the cook (I have had some that were excellent, and another that was so bad that he "boiled" my food on the grill by dumping water over it... yeck).
NY-style kiosk- These places are small, no buffet, and only have limited or no dining space. Since they cater to carry-out orders and make everything fresh, their dishes are usually a higher quality than compared t their buffet style counterparts. Basically, these are the kinds of Americanized Chinese restaurants you want to go to. There are exceptions. I have been to buffet-style places that have better dishes than carry-out places, but this isn't usually the case.
Bistro or slow casual (full service)- If you have upscale Chinese places with excellent food in your neighborhood, you're lucky. I have never eaten at P.F. Chang's (which is the Applebee's of Americanized Chinese food) but I heard it isn't very good. While I haven't eaten Americanized Chinese food in an upscale or a slow casual, my experiences with other cuisine tells me that usually the quality and authenticity aren't worth the sticker price. It seems to me that the hole-in-the-wall cheaper places also have the tastiest food.
What to get:
So what should you get when you go to a Chinese restaurant? The following is a list and why you should get it:
Chicken w. Black bean sauce - This stir fry usually comes with more vegetables than a few stalks of broccoli and has a tasty, tangy sauce. Most importantly, if you're use to the more popular Chinese dishes, the sauce might be something new to you. Chicken, vegetabes, tangy, but not as sweet. The Chinese probably prefer fermented black bean sauce though.
Kung Pao Chicken- This is a crowd favorite and the quality of this dish can vary widely from place to place. If you do find excellent Kung Pao, consider yourself lucky. I still recommend trying it though, as it has heat, tang, and isn't too sweet. The crunchy peanuts and crisp cabbage give the dish a variety of texture. I can't say for sure but I think most Kung Pao is close to the original version with the exception of schezuan peppercorns. American Chinese places will use American-friendly chile peppers to replace the peppercorns for the heat.
Moo Shu Pork- If you haven't had this dish before, it could be a new culinary experience for you. This dish consists of shredded pork, cabbage, and sprouts stuffed into paper thin pancakes (like a taco or burrito) and is topped with earthy (and authentic) hoisin sauce. The original version is similar except it has lotus flowers in it. The Chinese believe in making their food double as medicine.
Twice Cooked Pork- Pork praised in ginger and salt and then added to the wok with shiitake mushrooms, carrots, and nappa cabbage tossed in a Schezuan-style sauce. This dish is more consistent from place to place than Kung Pao Chicken. It is tangy, hot, and delicious!
Honey Walnut Prawns/Shrimp- a Hong Kong dish that is decadent boasting a mayonnaise based sauce and topped with candied walnuts. Wow! But it may be difficult to find depending on where you live.
Buddha's Delight- This dish basically employs most if not all of the vegetables used in a Chinese kitchen's arsenal. That could mean that Chinese vegetables might slip in there! A vegetarian choice.
Crispy Beef- strips of beef fried in a crispy batter and covered in a tangy, sweet sauce. It is a VERY American invention, but very good. It could be hard to find depending on where you live.
Mongolian Beef- Not *exactly* Mongolian, but let's say, *inspired* by Mongolian barbeque. It is usually a superior dish at Americanzed Chinese restaurants, consisting of slices of beef, onion, carrots, and bamboo shoots.
Schezuan Bean Curd- You may not be able to find the authentic "stinky" tofu, but at least you can have it spicy.
Dumplings (steamed)- not fried! You cannot go wrong with these, and they come with a wonderful sweet, chile oil based dipping sauce! Delicious!
A note about "authenicity": While stir-frys exist in China, the large and culturally diverse country has much more than stir-fry. But it is alright! Don't feel guilty about enjoying a spicy, tasty stir-fry at an American eatery. A good Chinese restaurant will use decent quality ingrediants and not skip steps in recipes (such as not cooking the pork in twice cooked pork twice or using orange juice instead of orange peel in orange chicken). To me, a Chinese restaurant is "authentic" if they prepare the recipes correctly (Americanized or not) because some changes to recipes are because of the American pallete, and those are fine, but some changes are meant to streamline the recipe and make it easier or cheaper to cook and this usually lowers the quality of the dish. But it is possible to find Chinese restaurants that are committed to quality.
If you live close to an army base: You are really lucky as many excellent Chinese places with the inclusion of more "unusual" items such as spicy squid, peking duck, etc are found on the menu. There are usually other excellent asian restaurants near army bases such as Thai, Korean, and Vietnamese as well. It is much easier to find asian restaurants with spicy, pungent, and authentic food at other asian restaurants because the dishes haven't been standardized by the prevalance of Americanized counterparts. I have to say that I enjoy authentic asian food much more, but the dishes I listed suffice if you don't have access to any (or can't tolerate strong tasting or smelly food).
Good luck! Enjoy Chinese food!
Today I want to teach you about Americanized Chinese food. This will cover where to get Chinese food, and what dishes to get. This is for anybody who wants to eat something familiar but a bit more interesting than orange chicken or "beef w. broccoli". It isn't authentic but it may be the closest you will get in the States.
Where:
First we will talk about what kinds of Americanized Chinese restaurants exist in the USA.
Buffet style - It is possible that a buffet style restaurant prepares excellent chinese food. When you enter, you can ask for a menu so that you can order freshly cooked food instead of dine on the overcooked food sitting under the heat lamps on the buffet. However, some Chinese buffets have grills where you can pick your own meat, seafood, sauce, and veggies and the grill cook will make a customized stir-fry for you. This customized stir-fry could be an excellent choice depending on the choices and the skill of the cook (I have had some that were excellent, and another that was so bad that he "boiled" my food on the grill by dumping water over it... yeck).
NY-style kiosk- These places are small, no buffet, and only have limited or no dining space. Since they cater to carry-out orders and make everything fresh, their dishes are usually a higher quality than compared t their buffet style counterparts. Basically, these are the kinds of Americanized Chinese restaurants you want to go to. There are exceptions. I have been to buffet-style places that have better dishes than carry-out places, but this isn't usually the case.
Bistro or slow casual (full service)- If you have upscale Chinese places with excellent food in your neighborhood, you're lucky. I have never eaten at P.F. Chang's (which is the Applebee's of Americanized Chinese food) but I heard it isn't very good. While I haven't eaten Americanized Chinese food in an upscale or a slow casual, my experiences with other cuisine tells me that usually the quality and authenticity aren't worth the sticker price. It seems to me that the hole-in-the-wall cheaper places also have the tastiest food.
What to get:
So what should you get when you go to a Chinese restaurant? The following is a list and why you should get it:
Chicken w. Black bean sauce - This stir fry usually comes with more vegetables than a few stalks of broccoli and has a tasty, tangy sauce. Most importantly, if you're use to the more popular Chinese dishes, the sauce might be something new to you. Chicken, vegetabes, tangy, but not as sweet. The Chinese probably prefer fermented black bean sauce though.
Kung Pao Chicken- This is a crowd favorite and the quality of this dish can vary widely from place to place. If you do find excellent Kung Pao, consider yourself lucky. I still recommend trying it though, as it has heat, tang, and isn't too sweet. The crunchy peanuts and crisp cabbage give the dish a variety of texture. I can't say for sure but I think most Kung Pao is close to the original version with the exception of schezuan peppercorns. American Chinese places will use American-friendly chile peppers to replace the peppercorns for the heat.
Moo Shu Pork- If you haven't had this dish before, it could be a new culinary experience for you. This dish consists of shredded pork, cabbage, and sprouts stuffed into paper thin pancakes (like a taco or burrito) and is topped with earthy (and authentic) hoisin sauce. The original version is similar except it has lotus flowers in it. The Chinese believe in making their food double as medicine.
Twice Cooked Pork- Pork praised in ginger and salt and then added to the wok with shiitake mushrooms, carrots, and nappa cabbage tossed in a Schezuan-style sauce. This dish is more consistent from place to place than Kung Pao Chicken. It is tangy, hot, and delicious!
Honey Walnut Prawns/Shrimp- a Hong Kong dish that is decadent boasting a mayonnaise based sauce and topped with candied walnuts. Wow! But it may be difficult to find depending on where you live.
Buddha's Delight- This dish basically employs most if not all of the vegetables used in a Chinese kitchen's arsenal. That could mean that Chinese vegetables might slip in there! A vegetarian choice.
Crispy Beef- strips of beef fried in a crispy batter and covered in a tangy, sweet sauce. It is a VERY American invention, but very good. It could be hard to find depending on where you live.
Mongolian Beef- Not *exactly* Mongolian, but let's say, *inspired* by Mongolian barbeque. It is usually a superior dish at Americanzed Chinese restaurants, consisting of slices of beef, onion, carrots, and bamboo shoots.
Schezuan Bean Curd- You may not be able to find the authentic "stinky" tofu, but at least you can have it spicy.
Dumplings (steamed)- not fried! You cannot go wrong with these, and they come with a wonderful sweet, chile oil based dipping sauce! Delicious!
A note about "authenicity": While stir-frys exist in China, the large and culturally diverse country has much more than stir-fry. But it is alright! Don't feel guilty about enjoying a spicy, tasty stir-fry at an American eatery. A good Chinese restaurant will use decent quality ingrediants and not skip steps in recipes (such as not cooking the pork in twice cooked pork twice or using orange juice instead of orange peel in orange chicken). To me, a Chinese restaurant is "authentic" if they prepare the recipes correctly (Americanized or not) because some changes to recipes are because of the American pallete, and those are fine, but some changes are meant to streamline the recipe and make it easier or cheaper to cook and this usually lowers the quality of the dish. But it is possible to find Chinese restaurants that are committed to quality.
If you live close to an army base: You are really lucky as many excellent Chinese places with the inclusion of more "unusual" items such as spicy squid, peking duck, etc are found on the menu. There are usually other excellent asian restaurants near army bases such as Thai, Korean, and Vietnamese as well. It is much easier to find asian restaurants with spicy, pungent, and authentic food at other asian restaurants because the dishes haven't been standardized by the prevalance of Americanized counterparts. I have to say that I enjoy authentic asian food much more, but the dishes I listed suffice if you don't have access to any (or can't tolerate strong tasting or smelly food).
Good luck! Enjoy Chinese food!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Blog Post Number 4 - 12/17/2010
I feel good this morning. I got a final in a couple of hours and haven't studied yet.
I was freaking out last night. I feel guilty whenever I stimulate myself so after I read some impactful literature or interesting philosophy, I feel either overly emotional or pretentious. I wish I could enjoy myself without feeling guilty...
I was freaking out last night. I feel guilty whenever I stimulate myself so after I read some impactful literature or interesting philosophy, I feel either overly emotional or pretentious. I wish I could enjoy myself without feeling guilty...
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Blog Post Number 3 - 12/16/2010 - Misjudging situations
Whoo. My last blog post. That was a little... I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to say intense nor do I want to say pathetic because I believed it was necessary. I just want to say that I feel better today despite the fact that I was up this morning at 6 A.M. with the runs, the first side effect of my medication that I have experienced so far.
Today, I want to talk about other thoughts that haunt me. Embarassing moments. I keep replaying them in my head, over and over again. Last night I thought about how I wanted to use unacademic sources for my research paper in a class in the past and my instructor had to correct me. I keep replaying that in my head and thinking that I should of understood that without having to be corrected, and how could I have made such an obvious mistake? I think, that instructor must of thought I was an IDIOT. But hey, I do know better now... It probably doesn't do me any good to stress myself out by thinking about it and getting depressed especially since I have written successful, and proper research papers since. Sigh.
Then there was another time when I mispronounced "superfluous" in front of a teacher. Also, the time when I was obsessed with the realism-romaticism dichotomy and was abitrarily (and therefore inappropriately) applying the concepts to everything.
Then there are times when I went to events that I completely misjudged what they were and showed up with inappropriate items/attitude/dress. Such as a party I got dolled up for and it turned out to be 6 or 7 people sitting around drinking beers and watching a movie and laughing at shit on youtube. A potluck that I prepared deviled eggs for and everyone else brought "snack food" instead of dinner items. An Art Festival that sounded intriguing because of the words "art" and "festival" which is basically a bunch of craftsman hobbyists selling their junk - no art to be found (and I had no money as I stupidly walked around looking at these people's uh, "art").
Well, there actually was one guy that had some artwork. But it was the abstract, "random paintstrokes and throwing paint at the canvas" artwork that some people are into. Personally, I just don't get it and neither did the old ladies shopping for knick knacks either. Poor dude. He just sat there all day, not a single customer! Well, maybe I should feel better then, because I probably wasn't the only person that felt utterly RIDICULOUS that day.
Anyway, so I am probably going to make dumbass mistakes for the rest of my life. It seems to be the way I am! I haven't said or done anything on the level of Jessica Simpson asking if tuna is chicken, but hey, I am near close. Oh, and misjudging things does not make you stupid. I don't know whether Sarah Palin or Jessica Simpson are idiots or not, but I don't think that unwittingly saying something stupid means youre an idiot. Maybe its just that most people are mean and insecure and any chance that they can get, they call somebody else out on their flaws, so they can feel better about themselves? Also, not to mention, people are constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and coming off wrong to the point when you have a conversation with them, it feels like they have everything they say in their head preprogrammed to respond appropriately.
So, people that don't misjudge situations, good for you. I don't know how you do it. But I definitely do it all of the time. Luckily, my boyfriend also misjudges a lot of situations like I do! Yay! So, at least I don't have to worry about what he thinks. Sometimes we misjudge situations together. How romantic.
Today, I want to talk about other thoughts that haunt me. Embarassing moments. I keep replaying them in my head, over and over again. Last night I thought about how I wanted to use unacademic sources for my research paper in a class in the past and my instructor had to correct me. I keep replaying that in my head and thinking that I should of understood that without having to be corrected, and how could I have made such an obvious mistake? I think, that instructor must of thought I was an IDIOT. But hey, I do know better now... It probably doesn't do me any good to stress myself out by thinking about it and getting depressed especially since I have written successful, and proper research papers since. Sigh.
Then there was another time when I mispronounced "superfluous" in front of a teacher. Also, the time when I was obsessed with the realism-romaticism dichotomy and was abitrarily (and therefore inappropriately) applying the concepts to everything.
Then there are times when I went to events that I completely misjudged what they were and showed up with inappropriate items/attitude/dress. Such as a party I got dolled up for and it turned out to be 6 or 7 people sitting around drinking beers and watching a movie and laughing at shit on youtube. A potluck that I prepared deviled eggs for and everyone else brought "snack food" instead of dinner items. An Art Festival that sounded intriguing because of the words "art" and "festival" which is basically a bunch of craftsman hobbyists selling their junk - no art to be found (and I had no money as I stupidly walked around looking at these people's uh, "art").
Well, there actually was one guy that had some artwork. But it was the abstract, "random paintstrokes and throwing paint at the canvas" artwork that some people are into. Personally, I just don't get it and neither did the old ladies shopping for knick knacks either. Poor dude. He just sat there all day, not a single customer! Well, maybe I should feel better then, because I probably wasn't the only person that felt utterly RIDICULOUS that day.
Anyway, so I am probably going to make dumbass mistakes for the rest of my life. It seems to be the way I am! I haven't said or done anything on the level of Jessica Simpson asking if tuna is chicken, but hey, I am near close. Oh, and misjudging things does not make you stupid. I don't know whether Sarah Palin or Jessica Simpson are idiots or not, but I don't think that unwittingly saying something stupid means youre an idiot. Maybe its just that most people are mean and insecure and any chance that they can get, they call somebody else out on their flaws, so they can feel better about themselves? Also, not to mention, people are constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and coming off wrong to the point when you have a conversation with them, it feels like they have everything they say in their head preprogrammed to respond appropriately.
So, people that don't misjudge situations, good for you. I don't know how you do it. But I definitely do it all of the time. Luckily, my boyfriend also misjudges a lot of situations like I do! Yay! So, at least I don't have to worry about what he thinks. Sometimes we misjudge situations together. How romantic.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Blog Post Number 2 - 12/15/2010 - Insecurity rears its UGLY head.
Two blog posts in one day? I guess so! I am on a tangent with this one. In my previous post I talked about how I am haunted by my past where I basically lived on the internet. I did omit that I had a few real life boyfriends before that wonderful guy I am with now but you know what? They all sucked. All the guys I dated in real life were ugly dorks (and I hope none of them reads this) and that is why I acted like a b*tch and dumped them in 3 months. There you f*cking go. I will acknowledge I was desperate at one point. I even faked knowing a lot about music when I really didn't. I wasn't just desperate for male attention but I was also desperate for an identity. So, there you go, I became a "progressive rock" fan and had elite music tastes and that satisfied my ego for awhile. I talked to guys on the internet that were also elite progressive rock fans and prioritized them over my lame real life boyfriends. What is funny is that these mysterious guys on the internet turned out not to be these amazingly special people when I met two of them in person. No offense to those guys (especially if they read this), and I am not saying anything was wrong with them when I met them, it's just that they weren't these fantasy men that I was expecting them to be and that was my own fault because I was being DELUSIONAL.
Shit, who the heck am I supposed to tell this shit to? It is embarassing enough as it is. UGH. I am so ASHAMED. I don't know how the heck to get a grip. I keep telling myself that IT IS OKAY NOW since I am a college junior and have an apartment with a guy that I absolutely love. There was a time in my life when that was a dream. WHY CANT I ENJOY IT? No, instead I have been SHITTING IT ALL AWAY by being a depressed nitwit. I swear to $#(*## I don't know what my problem is. Ugh, WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
Maybe I am being unrealistic and it isn't healthy to refer to your current relationship as a "dream" and blah blah blah... Maybe that is unhealthy behavior. But I am EMOTIONAL. I would love to be more stoic about matters but damn, it doesn't seem like I have the capacity. I feel unhinged and like nobody can help me, because my emotions don't draw people to me, they alienate them. My emotional state is akin to leprosy or some shit. People are AFRAID of EMOTIONS for some damn reason. But hey, that fact just proves that EMOTIONS MUST BE PRETTY F'N POWERFUL if they scare people off. I suppose I am an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE or some shit.
I know one thing. I am INSECURE. It sucks. I got a 93 A on a term paper and started having bad anxiety over it. STRANGE. Another instructor in another class hated my papers but this one loved my term paper and even approached me to tell me how much he liked it. Where is the standard, the consistency? How can one instructor LOVE what I write and the other one think I am batshit insane? As a college junior I have to write papers with compelling arguments to get anywhere but my approach isn't universal, apparently. Anyway, I am just completely demoralized. I DONT WANT TO BE. I try to ratinonalize and convince myself that there is no good reason to have such a poor attitude yet the 'tude still persists. RATIONALITY VS EMOTION... Emotion seems to win every time. But that is why I am blogging... to dump all this emo baggage somewhere and be done with it! Hopefully after I have ranted and ranted and ranted until I cannot rant anymore (about my feelings and emotions) I will write about something I enjoy or am interested in like a good movie, politics, etc...
Perhaps I need to take some advice some Socrates and attempt to Know Thyself. My interpretation of this is: you should accept yourself for who you are, yet reach your potential, but understand your limitations.
Regardless, I cannot be in this constant state of strife that renders me indecisive.
Shit, who the heck am I supposed to tell this shit to? It is embarassing enough as it is. UGH. I am so ASHAMED. I don't know how the heck to get a grip. I keep telling myself that IT IS OKAY NOW since I am a college junior and have an apartment with a guy that I absolutely love. There was a time in my life when that was a dream. WHY CANT I ENJOY IT? No, instead I have been SHITTING IT ALL AWAY by being a depressed nitwit. I swear to $#(*## I don't know what my problem is. Ugh, WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
Maybe I am being unrealistic and it isn't healthy to refer to your current relationship as a "dream" and blah blah blah... Maybe that is unhealthy behavior. But I am EMOTIONAL. I would love to be more stoic about matters but damn, it doesn't seem like I have the capacity. I feel unhinged and like nobody can help me, because my emotions don't draw people to me, they alienate them. My emotional state is akin to leprosy or some shit. People are AFRAID of EMOTIONS for some damn reason. But hey, that fact just proves that EMOTIONS MUST BE PRETTY F'N POWERFUL if they scare people off. I suppose I am an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE or some shit.
I know one thing. I am INSECURE. It sucks. I got a 93 A on a term paper and started having bad anxiety over it. STRANGE. Another instructor in another class hated my papers but this one loved my term paper and even approached me to tell me how much he liked it. Where is the standard, the consistency? How can one instructor LOVE what I write and the other one think I am batshit insane? As a college junior I have to write papers with compelling arguments to get anywhere but my approach isn't universal, apparently. Anyway, I am just completely demoralized. I DONT WANT TO BE. I try to ratinonalize and convince myself that there is no good reason to have such a poor attitude yet the 'tude still persists. RATIONALITY VS EMOTION... Emotion seems to win every time. But that is why I am blogging... to dump all this emo baggage somewhere and be done with it! Hopefully after I have ranted and ranted and ranted until I cannot rant anymore (about my feelings and emotions) I will write about something I enjoy or am interested in like a good movie, politics, etc...
Perhaps I need to take some advice some Socrates and attempt to Know Thyself. My interpretation of this is: you should accept yourself for who you are, yet reach your potential, but understand your limitations.
Regardless, I cannot be in this constant state of strife that renders me indecisive.
Blog Post Number 1 - 12/15/2010 - First Blog Post: Why I don't listen to music anymore
Why have I created this blog?
I was sitting at my computer, mindlessly staring at facebook. I logged on to youtube.com and found an old song that I liked - Frank Zappa - I'm a Beautiful Guy. In fact, I liked a lot of Zappa's music.
But I don't listen to music anymore.
Why?
Today, I am a college student and am very in love with my live-in boyfriend. My life is dramatically different than it use to be.
My past haunts me.
I use to sit at the computer all day long and talk to guys on the internet. A lot of them. They were mostly guys that had similar musical tastes to me. I lived in this delusional world where I thought I *had* to be with a guy that had the same music tastes that I have and that such a guy could only be found on the internet.
Everytime I listen to music that I love, I painfully remember my past that I am really ashamed of. When I imagine how I use to be, it makes me incredibly sick. I was a disgusting human being.
However, what disturbs me more is that in some ways, I was HAPPIER then. I was highly stimulated by the music and my online relationships. It was pure fantasy. The reality of being in a serious relationship (like I am now) does not compare. Does that mean I want to do that again? Of course not. Like I said, I am ashamed of my past. I am glad that I have a life now...
I was sitting at my computer, mindlessly staring at facebook. I logged on to youtube.com and found an old song that I liked - Frank Zappa - I'm a Beautiful Guy. In fact, I liked a lot of Zappa's music.
But I don't listen to music anymore.
Why?
Today, I am a college student and am very in love with my live-in boyfriend. My life is dramatically different than it use to be.
My past haunts me.
I use to sit at the computer all day long and talk to guys on the internet. A lot of them. They were mostly guys that had similar musical tastes to me. I lived in this delusional world where I thought I *had* to be with a guy that had the same music tastes that I have and that such a guy could only be found on the internet.
Everytime I listen to music that I love, I painfully remember my past that I am really ashamed of. When I imagine how I use to be, it makes me incredibly sick. I was a disgusting human being.
However, what disturbs me more is that in some ways, I was HAPPIER then. I was highly stimulated by the music and my online relationships. It was pure fantasy. The reality of being in a serious relationship (like I am now) does not compare. Does that mean I want to do that again? Of course not. Like I said, I am ashamed of my past. I am glad that I have a life now...
But now that I have a life... I wish I could forget my past. It is very troubling when I am reminded of it. That is why I am blogging now, because maybe writing this sh*t down will help me get over some things.
I also want to be ready to make the next step in life.
I don't want to just merely be normal; I want to be accomplished! However, these fits of anxiety that I have when I think about my past are getting in the way. If I am to become a better person I need to shed that old skin once and for all. I want to take the final leap and truly reach my goals...
The first step I took was to seek professional help and I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and am now taking an antidepressant called Celexa. I haven't been on it long enough to determine whether it is affecting me in a positive way or not. I think I am going to need more than a pill though. Man, I have issues.
It hurts. It hurts to admit that I have issues. I don't want people to look at me and think I am a basket case. I want to be emotionally balanced and RATIONAL.
When my professors in political science, philosophy, and economics classes talk about rational behavior, I think, YES, that is how one ought to be. That is how I want to be! I want to be rational and make good decisions using a cost-benefit analysis instead of making rash decisions!
But I don't do that... why?
Why can't I enjoy my music anymore? Maybe I should find something new?
Korean horror movies are pretty cool.
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