I was sitting at my computer, mindlessly staring at facebook. I logged on to youtube.com and found an old song that I liked - Frank Zappa - I'm a Beautiful Guy. In fact, I liked a lot of Zappa's music.
But I don't listen to music anymore.
Why?
Today, I am a college student and am very in love with my live-in boyfriend. My life is dramatically different than it use to be.
My past haunts me.
I use to sit at the computer all day long and talk to guys on the internet. A lot of them. They were mostly guys that had similar musical tastes to me. I lived in this delusional world where I thought I *had* to be with a guy that had the same music tastes that I have and that such a guy could only be found on the internet.
Everytime I listen to music that I love, I painfully remember my past that I am really ashamed of. When I imagine how I use to be, it makes me incredibly sick. I was a disgusting human being.
However, what disturbs me more is that in some ways, I was HAPPIER then. I was highly stimulated by the music and my online relationships. It was pure fantasy. The reality of being in a serious relationship (like I am now) does not compare. Does that mean I want to do that again? Of course not. Like I said, I am ashamed of my past. I am glad that I have a life now...
But now that I have a life... I wish I could forget my past. It is very troubling when I am reminded of it. That is why I am blogging now, because maybe writing this sh*t down will help me get over some things.
I also want to be ready to make the next step in life.
I don't want to just merely be normal; I want to be accomplished! However, these fits of anxiety that I have when I think about my past are getting in the way. If I am to become a better person I need to shed that old skin once and for all. I want to take the final leap and truly reach my goals...
The first step I took was to seek professional help and I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and am now taking an antidepressant called Celexa. I haven't been on it long enough to determine whether it is affecting me in a positive way or not. I think I am going to need more than a pill though. Man, I have issues.
It hurts. It hurts to admit that I have issues. I don't want people to look at me and think I am a basket case. I want to be emotionally balanced and RATIONAL.
When my professors in political science, philosophy, and economics classes talk about rational behavior, I think, YES, that is how one ought to be. That is how I want to be! I want to be rational and make good decisions using a cost-benefit analysis instead of making rash decisions!
But I don't do that... why?
Why can't I enjoy my music anymore? Maybe I should find something new?
Korean horror movies are pretty cool.
No comments:
Post a Comment